I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
