i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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