I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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