she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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