You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize