I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
