Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
