i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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