i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
