don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
