If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
