I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
