I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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