I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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