So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
