Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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