I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
