I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
