I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she peed on how many people?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
