billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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