Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
