turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
