I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
