sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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