There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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