I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He shit in the fireplace
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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