nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
