Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize