my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
