Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize