how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
