i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
