We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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