If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize