You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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