I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
