we're chasing vodka with high fives
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
