grandma shit on top of the toilet
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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