You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
