I think my fart just growled at me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
