i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
