Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
