im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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