Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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