I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
