haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
