I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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