Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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