i would punch a child for taco bell
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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