i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
