so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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