You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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