some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
