There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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