she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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