The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
