I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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