The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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