Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
