Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
