I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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