They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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