i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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