there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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